擁抱自信 Embracing Confidence
Open your arms.
目錄 Catalogue⚪ 前言 Foreword⚪ English Story ⚪ 中文故事⚪ 繼續閱讀「拾光系列」(Continue Reading this Series) 👏👏🏻👏🏽
前言 Foreword
Hello readers on Medium, you’re reading a bilingual post, written in Chinese and English. We’re talking about confidence today. Feeling vulnerable or insecure is human. Have you ever felt a lack of confidence in front of people? On the other hand, what are some things that make you feel confident?
你好各位在 Medium 上的讀者們，你現在在瀏覽一篇雙語貼文，由中、英文撰寫。我們今天來探討「自信」，因感到自卑乃人之常情。你有沒有在別人面前感到沒有自信過？回過頭來，什麼事物會讓你產生自信呢？
English Story
Gaining confidence is a learning curve for me.
Days ago, I was on an important call with my friend, J. We haven’t talked in the past two months, and many things have happened during this time. Besides dealing with the pandemic, miscellaneous affairs, and family chores, a lot is going on in our heads. One of them being college. Although the last application season ended a long time ago, I expected more rewards from struggles. I set standards so high to meet that they exist in the realm of perfection. Months ago, I managed to write my first draft of a personal statement. For the first time, I said confidently to myself that I don’t know myself enough. Over the countless, tireless nights of slaving away on my notebook and keyboard, I produced eight drafts of the same statement. Five months for a 600 word-limit essay. When colleges rejected me, I denied my character. Even when I typed down one word on my keyboard, I doubt my word choice. There is nothing as toxic as under-confidence.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” J said. It’s as if fireworks lit up in my mind.
Somehow, I was not hurt. In fact, it made me want to reexamine my past in a new light. To my understanding, roots of under-confidence can stem from denial of self, psychological trauma, family issues, or the construction of social values. It takes a then 10-year-old a long way to realize that.
Continue Reading｜Back to CatalogueIn August 2009, I was admitted into I-Shou International School after passing a ‘proficiency test.’ In Taiwan, we tease these sorts of schools being the noble schools (貴族學校). If you’re familiar with Chinese, you can see traces of the keyword on Dcard or PPT with widespread discussions. You need the modern-day golden ticket to get in, and there’s no way it’s wrapped inside a chocolate bar. This golden ticket was in the forms of quality education, to the Mercedes-Benz your classmates’ parents drive, and the expensive fountain in front gate built by donors. My dad was a Chinese medicine practitioner, and he expected me to go to medical school in the future. No duh. Since young, I’ve been taught to believe that aiming for the best is, well, necessary. I thought that was my world.
The moment I stepped into class in Grade 2, things took an unexpected turn. Under the IB PYP system, teachers and students enjoyed the same degree of freedom to engage with their material. Teachers had tricked us into psychological traps to demonstrate the illusion of taste! Although the class was mad, we had an insightful look into our bias. I found myself aiming for the best while losing this innocence of what it meant to be a kid. Once, I had a classmate, who brought in a poster with words measured by a ruler their width and length, underlined in perfection, and pictures placed for optimal viewing. Crazy! I thought my handmade poster with wiggly words was awful. I believed that a lot of my differences were out of sync with the world I lived in. For example, my body coordination was terrible for any regular sports, and stages of puberty dragged on like melodrama.
Middle school happened, and it was strange. We lived in a memorable age to be 13 to 15 years old (2014–17). People were putting Gangnam Style on repeat, humming to Taylor Swift’s 1989 or The Chainsmokers, and going to school flashing their NMDs. At the same time, some of us entered puberty, following the teenage drama that could not be simpler than a mess of anxiety manifested. Amid this age of losing innocence, I continued this path of pursuing excellence, which included the ‘iconic fall’.
In Grade 9, we had an oral assignment designed according to John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men (1937). Because of specific task allocations, I portrayed a female character’s struggles with life and staged my piece for presentation. I remember that I acted as if I’m a gypsy possessed by Curley’s wife (the female character) and gave a speech about why her pain is valid within an unfortunate marriage; you get the gist. By the end of my piece, Curley’s wife will leave the gypsy’s body. And then the gypsy faints. As I countdown in my mind, I knew how to fall on the floor with my face landing first. I closed my eyes, bent my knees, and waited for the cold, hard ground. I fell. Falling over for grades, perfection, and the pain that will sting my cheeks. What for?
As I recovered from the temporary pain in my cheeks, I jumped at the sight of my grades days later. It was a 6, not a 7, my presumed standard to what’s the best. I thought that I made a fool out of myself. What for? Compared to those who spent less time preparing and gained higher grades, I felt lesser than them. I had this eagerness to prove myself yet continued to disregard the progress I made. This was an insecure overachiever, not confident in their achievements. Days in middle school flew past as if there were no boundaries between days and nights. I studied when the sun was out and guarded my laptop when the moon hung above the clouds. Things should change for the better.
Continue Reading｜Back to CatalogueI have to admit that studying abroad sounds cool. Imagine being a teenager with ten thousand and more dollars prepared by your family, donors, or an institution; they are allowing you to embark on a new life. Shouldn’t you enjoy it to the fullest? There are two scenarios you will face. Some days you feel great! You can easily conquer fear by knocking on the doors of a bright future with stairs built with capitalistic ideals. On other days, you might feel unworthy even stand on the spot that you’ve gained. Despite the excitement to study in a new country, it wears away.
I had many moments of not feeling confident in front of friends, classmates, teachers, or anyone. For example, I haven’t written proper essays regularly for two years at my previous high school, and I was at one of the highest level English classes in UWC. When I received lower grades consistently in the first term, I asked my classmate why they could just write something nice all the time?
“I’ve been doing this all my life,” they said.
We seem to step on campus from the same position. We’re dropped off the bus in front of residences as our second-years welcomed us with their flags waving, chanting “Welcome, welcome, welcome!” However, some of us will run, sprint, walk or stride to where we want to be by the finishing line. When I focused on what I’m doing poorly, I neglect what I’m doing well. This time, I tried to not let grades get in my way. The ability to combine thoughts is far more essential than a digit on my report. Of course, it’s easier said than done. Still, I wanted to catch up to those who are better and going faster. In the end, we operate at different speeds compared to others. That should be fine. I’ve seen people going from struggling to thriving, and I believe that it does not work like a miracle.
Also, the inability to feel confident has a name: imposter syndrome.
Studies have shown this lack of self-belief is correlated with anxiety, low confidence, and self-sabotage (Wilding, 2017).
I’m not sure what my peers felt in UWC, but I certainly felt this phenomenon manifesting day by day. If I screwed up something, I could blame myself for a long time while planning a new way to rectify my mistakes. It turns out that there are many things one can screw up in a lifetime. Those brief mistakes ended up making a difference in how one shapes their identity. One afternoon, while lying down in my four-person room, I was upset. I looked up to the ceiling. I glanced at the purple board with a poster of starry nights hanging on the right, the bulletin board at the back with my birthday poster, and my shelves with scattered papers and items. Everything felt like an organized mess. My confidence has worn out. Instead of telling myself that I can do it, the inner monologue whispered: you can’t!
To nobody’s surprise, you might have guessed what followed. I jumped out of my bed with shoes still on, put on my denim jacket, picked up my backpack, and walked out of the room. I knew that my under-confidence and insecurity will be able to consume me if I stayed there. I had to do something to distract myself. Go to class, talk with a friend, call a friend back home, cook with some people, get involved with a club activity, and ultimately, hearing my needs.
In one appointment with the school psychologist, I told him how I feel about my life. On the topic of confidence, I don’t know how to connect with people that well. In fact, I might just be socially awkward disguised as an extrovert.
“So, how does that make you feel?” he asked.
“I guess not as well because I expect myself to be more….open,” I responded.
Confidence makes us powerful. You take on challenges knowing that you have enough strength and wit to withstand pressure, no matter what. Sometimes, we might have a problem ahead and knowing that there’s someone to lean on to tackle it together makes us confident. I was fortunate enough to have people around who helped me get through these times, and we should feel comfortable discussing vulnerability in life.
Continue Reading｜Back to CatalogueTo have this confidence, we need to know who we are. It’s this ease you bring forth to yourself and then the others. I know people who felt like they are living disappointments, started to turn things around by identifying the worst in their lives and managed to not let doubt hinder their progress. It sounds like confidence is never static. As I gain clarity every passing day knowing the purpose in what I do, gives me a sense of relief. Doubt and trust in oneself engage in an ever-growing conversation that maps out the moments of our history.
Celebrate how far you’ve come! We can all have a little more faith in ourselves. Keep going.
Continue Reading｜Back to Catalogue中文故事
在追求自信的過程中，從來不會太簡單。
幾天前，我跟我好朋友 J 在電話上暢聊。雖然我們兩個月沒跟對方說話了，但是這期間在各自的生活中還是有了很多事情發生。除了要調適疫情衝擊下的心態、繁瑣的事務和家事，我們還有好多憋在心裡說不出來，只想找個懂的人盡情抒發。果不其然就聊到了大學。早在四月底時，今年大學申請季就結束了，卻儼然無法淡化我對於許多期望的落空，以為同等的掙扎會換來等比的收穫。在自己的評量表上，我把標準訂在一個太過完美的理想世界，一切都太難達成了。幾個月前，我坐在筆電前完成了第一稿的個人陳述 (Personal Statement)，是項美國大學招生官必看的主要自傳。第一次，我盯著寫完的稿子只想說：「我怎麼還不夠認識自己？」經過好幾個輾轉難眠的夜晚守在筆電和一旁的筆記本，我最終產出了八版同樣的個人陳述。五個月過去只為了一篇 600 字上限的小論文。當大學拒絕我時，我看輕了自己的價值。這期間，我連一個字寫出來時都懷疑自我。沒有什麼比「不夠有自信」這回事來的傷人。
「你不夠認可自己」，J 說道。一瞬間，內心深層的一些想法被活化了。
他這樣講很真，我卻一點都不受傷。反過頭來，這讓我想要重新審視我的世界。任何自身的「不自信」可以因許多問題而起，如自我否定、心理創傷、家庭問題或著社會觀感的衝擊，都能是一切的起源。 10 歲時不明白這些道理，直到長大了才有清晰的眼光去反思過往的時光。
繼續閱讀｜回目錄2009 年八月，我在通過鑑定考試後正式入學義大中小學。在台灣，我們通常將些很好的私立和國際學校統稱為「貴族學校」。中文讀者若上 Dcard 或 PPT 都可以看到關於貴族學校的熱烈討論。每個學生手上都握有一張黃金門票，而這張票並沒有藏在巧克力棒裡。這張票象徵著國際公認一流的教育，你同學爸媽開的賓士車和學校裡貴到出水的噴水池。我爸本身從事中醫，所以小時候我就被寄予厚望考上醫學院。依照一般東亞家長的想法，這種期望是不知不覺潛移默化的！我被教導一定要向最好的看齊。我以為這就是我的全世界。
當年我踏進二年級教室，生活迎接了 180 度大轉變。在 IB 國際文憑 PYP 的體制薰陶下，老師及學生享有同等自由去操控手上的資訊及教材。四年級時，我們就有老師透過心理學的實驗去盲測我們對於味覺的錯置！雖然整班被耍了覺得很生氣，但我們的確更加了解了日常生活中的偏見。當我每次想盡我所能變得更好，我漸漸失去了一些單純玩樂的時光。我曾看到有同學為了海報展覽，親自用長尺測量好字的大小，底線畫的筆直且照片排版無可挑剔。天啊！我看向我的手寫海報跟一串串潦草的字跡，自嘆不如。當時的世界似乎與我的不同對不上拍。舉例來說，我的肢體協調有夠差，從事任何運動總覺得力不從心。青春期的每個階段更像是一場拖戲的八點檔。
升國中後一切似乎變怪了。不可否認，從 2014 到 17 年當位國中生實在是一段印象深刻的時代。人們在 YouTube 上無限播放 Gangnam Style，哼著泰勒斯的 1989 和 The Chainsmokers 的歌，或著去學校秀一輪自己新買的 NMDs。與此同時，我們許多人進入了青春期，增添許多回想起是幼稚的你爭我鬥，只是將心中成長的焦慮無限放大罷了。逐漸從小孩子成為一位青少年，我還是堅守原本的原則及軌道，追求最好，甚至自願摔到地板上。
九年級時，我們有個口頭報告是依據 John Steinbeck 的《人鼠之間》(Of Mice and Men, 1937) 所設計。由於每人有不一樣的任務設計，我當時是要詮釋書中的一位女配角在生活中與人的摩擦，進而交出一份表演。我記得把自己設定為一位吉普賽人，然後被女配角 Curley’s Wife 給附身，發表關於自己在婚姻中受的委屈，差不多是這樣的主軸。在我的表演最後，女配角會離開吉普賽人的身體，然後這位預言家跌落在地。當我在內心倒數時，我都設計好要怎麼臉朝下的跌倒。閉上眼睛，彎好膝蓋，然後靜待冰冷又硬的地板。我跌下去了。為了成績、虛幻的完美和將在臉頰中隱隱作祟的疼痛，為的是什麼？
好幾天後，當我早已恢復臉頰中的痛，我看到成績直接跳了起來。紙上是一個六而不是七，自認「最好」的標準值。我根本就在耍自己吧，為的是什麼？比起那些花了更少時間，拿到更好分數的人，我自嘆不如。當時動力充沛、想證明自己的 15 歲，不過一路在否認進步的跡象。除了過於強求也太沒自信了吧！國中的日子好比日夜無界，兩者早已混為一體。一早起來去學校上課，而當月亮高掛於雲層之時，我仍堅守在電腦前。一切似乎要變得更好才行。
繼續閱讀｜回目錄我必須承認去國外念書聽起來很酷。想像自己是位青少年，而你的家長、贊助人或某慷慨的機構願意提供你上萬美金，展開新的人生篇章，難道你不應該將每一刻過到最為充足嗎？通常腦海裡會閃過兩種情境。有些天，你覺得自己無所不能！你可以在踏上架構於資本主義的階梯，一步步敲響未來嶄新的大門，戰勝恐懼。但也許，在某些沒人會過問的日子裡，你覺得自己不配站在屬於你的位置。雖然說去新的國家讀書很新奇又刺激，這種感覺是慢慢散去的。
過去兩年，我有很多時刻是無法在朋友、同學、老師或任何人前感到有自信。舉例來說，我在以前的高中已經有兩年沒有正規的寫英文作文，但還是不怕死的跑去 UWC 裡高階英文 A 課程挑戰自我。當我在第一學期不斷拿到相對低的分數，我總納悶為何身旁的同學能寫的一手好文。
「我一直以來都這麼做的啊」，同學稀鬆平常的說完。
每個人似乎都是從同個起點來到校園。帶我們駛入校園的接駁車在宿舍大樓前停下，我們的二年級生揮舞著國旗歡迎新生，一句句重複的 “Welcome, welcome, welcome!” 響徹雲霄，令人感到興奮！然而，有些人會用衝刺、跑步、快走或慢慢來的速度達到終點線。當我不斷專注在我做不好的，我就會選擇性忽略我做得好的事情。這一次，我不想再讓成績阻擋我的成長。我相信有能力結合文字、構思想法的價值比成績單上的一個數字來的重要。然而，說來容易，做起來難。我依然想要跟上那些看起來比我更好，跑得更快的人。到最後，我們依著自己的速度去完成生活中的大小事，而這理當是該被接受的。我看過許多人從迷惘、掙扎到發掘自我，一路走來也不曾是一場從夢驚醒後的奇蹟。
再補充一點，若無法感受自信的感覺愈演愈烈，這樣可能會讓人感受到所謂的「冒名頂替現象」(Imposter Syndrome)。
「研究指出對自身沒有信念的現象是與焦慮、低自信度和自我破壞有關係的，」(Wilding, 2017)。
我不確定我在 UWC 的同學有什麼感受，但是我感受到這股現象的力量是層層堆疊而起的。如果我搞砸了某件事，我可以在自責的同時，趕緊來修正我的錯誤。原來一個人在這麼一生中可以搞砸很多事。這些看似無關緊要的錯誤最終鋪成了我們。一下午，當我躺在房間的床上，只能感受奔騰而來的沮喪。我望向天花板，接著是貼在右方的星空海報，掛在後方的佈告欄有我的生日海報，之後是斜對角的櫃子，散落著紙張和物品。當下真覺得一切亂七八糟的好有秩序。我的自信心一滴滴的流逝，與其告訴自己我做得到，內心的聲音低語著：「你不行，好不好？」
每個故事都有好的起承轉合，而這一篇也不例外。我從我的床上跳了起來，鞋子依舊在腳上，穿起丹寧外套，拎著地上的背包，大步走出房間。我知道若我還留在那兒，我的不安全感和沒有自信會將我吞沒。我一定要改變現在這一刻，做點別的事都好。去上課，找 UWC 的朋友聊天，打電話給在台灣的朋友，去跟朋友煮飯，參加社團活動，而最終，懂得去聆聽我的需求。
在我和學校心理諮商師的最後一次門診，我跟他坦白我對於生活的感想。在自信這方面，我不知道怎麼樣跟人有更好的互動，事實上，我有點社交尷尬只是裝得很外向而已。
「所以這讓你有什麼感覺呢？」心理諮商師說。
我回覆，「沒有這麼好，因為我以為我更能對他人敞開心胸吧。」
自信心使我們強大。在面對挑戰時，無論結果如何，你知道自己有足夠的勇氣和智慧去戰勝它。當困難擺在眼前時，若能有自信知道誰能幫助你，那也是一種平凡的幸福。我很慶幸在不同時刻中有可以伸出援手的人，而這種時而產生的脆弱，應該是我們能以平常心討論的事。
繼續閱讀｜回目錄為了確保這份自信心存在著，我們必須知道自己是誰。那是一種對生活的自在，而別人也能感受的到。我知道有人因為覺得自己很失敗，開始剔除生活中不好的影響，再也不因懷疑卻步。這麼一說，感覺自信心的力量起伏總是說不定吧。現在回到台灣後，我每天一滴滴地恢復內心中的平靜，因為一旦知道目標在哪，似乎能走得更穩、更遠。懷疑與信任本質將不斷在腦海中對話，串聯起每段時光所譜出的組曲。
慶祝自己走了多遠吧！畢竟，我們都能對自己更有自信一些，加油。
回目錄繼續閱讀「拾光系列」(Continue Reading this Series)
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